“Can’t”

I use the word “can’t” quite a bit, I’ve noticed. I can’t buy that. I can’t afford that. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. I can’t handle this. I can’t deal with this. All these Can’ts are so negative!

I don’t know if I’m overwhelmed more easily than others…but life is hard.

How do people do it? How do people make it work on one income? Mom stays home, Dad goes to work. One car. It is so tough. Unnecessarily and surprisingly. Why can’t it just be like the 1950s? The dollar went alot further back then.

So I went to a couponing class. Helpful. But I refuse to just buy junk for my family, and that’s what alot of the coupons are for. But I’ve clipped all the coupons I could possibly use, for things that we already buy, so I’m not just buying something I wouldn’t normally buy, just because I saw a coupon. And I’ve used some really good ones and gotten some really good deals I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.

We’re still struggling, and it seems to be just as bad as if I hadn’t couponed at all. Car trouble has to hit at the precise moment that we have nothing to spare.

Life is so…well, I have no word. It’s not a nice word, whatever it is.

If you can’t tell, I’m a bit negative tonight. Well, actually, alot negative.

I feel that I have worked super hard at various jobs in my life…and as a stay-at-home mom, I work every day for no money.

But at this point…I am feeling that I have nothing to show for it.

It’s so true what was written in Proverbs: Money has wings and will fly away. Or something like that. It really does! You have it, then you need it, then it’s gone. Just gone.

And you’re living paycheck to paycheck, literally.

When will we “arrive”? When will we be “successful”? What is success, exactly? Does it look like this: never wanting or needing for anything, because you don’t have to live on a budget?

Well, for me, yes.

I grew up in a low-income family. We didn’t have AC in our hot, Florida panhandle home for quite a bit of my childhood. When we finally got an AC unit, we could only run it for a few hours a day, to save on electricity. We used fans otherwise. We ate alot of beans, rice, chicken, salmon patties, Raisin Bran and sandwiches. We didn’t have junk except rarely. And we always had one car.

Our current situation is all too familiar, and I don’t like it.

I know my struggles in childhood and now are nothing compared to third world countries and even compared to how some people live right here in the US.

All I know is that for me, this is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being a stay-at-home mom, which is essentially a thankless job. No income, no real contribution. Just day in and day out, caring for my little girl and the house. And trying daily not to freak out about money. Because right now, it’s a daily thing.

I cannot seem to be okay with being this poor.

No, I don’t want charity. No, I don’t want help. Yes, I refuse government aid. Not because I think I’m better than anyone, it’s just the principle of the thing. I will not do that. Maybe it’s a pride thing…but I just can’t do that. I’m a bit too “Libertarian”.

I want a better life, of our own making. I can’t afford a better life. There’s that Can’t word again. Well, it’s true. But I’ll try my best at this very weak, negative moment…and I’ll say, I CAN afford a better life…later.

I CAN do this. I CAN handle this. The only way is with God’s help. I have to learn to truly trust Him.

Staying home with my little girl was a step of faith. My husband and I both agreed on that. We both knew it was a step of faith. And we knew when we signed up for good health insurance at the beginning of this year, that it would be quite a work of God to make ends meet.

But my trust wavers. It fails…it seems to be daily, or at least every few days. I can’t seem to maintain a steady trust in God regarding our finances.

“Where God guides, He provides,” so I’ve heard. I want to believe that. And trust that He knows what He’s doing when He allows us to go through hard times. He is good anyway. No matter how our circumstances look!

Our God is good. He loves us. HE CARES!!

Jesus said, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.…”

And He tells us this most sound wisdom…which I need so much to hear right now:

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34

So where does this leave me? Well, at peace, when I truly believe it! At peace, because He cares for me, and He knows what is happening.

He understands our needs.

I can seek Him first, and He will provide what I need spiritually, emotionally, physically.

My new word is CAN.

I can trust God, because He is constant and unfailing.

He is God, after all.

Isn’t it about time I believed Him?

 

Snow and Kittens (I’ve always been starry-eyed)

I was always that kid who believed with all her heart that it would snow, any time it was super cold and rainy in my Florida panhandle hometown of Milton. I remember one night, about midnight, standing outside under our streetlamp, looking up at the sky and feeling the cold raindrops sting my face, and praying my heart out that God would make it snow. I believed at any moment that He would. I went to bed believing that, by morning, I would wake up to a winter wonderland.

 

 

I remember when our animals were sick or dying, I would pray, pray, pray for them to be well. One of my cats had kittens. One of the kittens was the runt of the litter, and it wasn’t going to make it. I prayed and prayed for that kitten. I even did a Jericho march. I was raised in a Pentecostal church. We did Jericho marches regularly. If you don’t know what a Jericho march is, well, it’s where you march in line around the church, everyone praying and singing. It was always exciting for us kids when the church service would turn into a Jericho march.

(What the heck is a Jericho march? It’s based on the Bible story from the book of Joshua. Where the Israelites are told by God to conquer the land. He tells them to march around the walled city of Jericho once a day for six days, and on the seventh to march around it seven times. Then, they shouted loudly and the walls of Jericho fell down before them, and they were able to win the battle.)

When you pray and pray for snow and it doesn’t come, and when you pray for a kitten that dies anyway…where does that leave your faith when you’re an impressionable child? I have thought about this but never written it out. We’ll see how this goes.

I think we shouldn’t tell kids that God will do as they ask. It sets them up to be sorely disillusioned with life. Because the truth is, not everyone gets healed. Not everything you pray for will happen. Even if you pray with all the faith you can muster. We should prepare kids for the possibility that what they pray for may not happen. For one extremely important reason: Because their faith should not be in whether or not God answers a specific request. Their faith should be in God Himself.

Let me explain. Faith in God for Who He is means trusting that He is good no matter what happens. I think true, deep faith doesn’t rely on whether He makes it snow or heals a kitten. True faith doesn’t question God’s love for you based on how He answers your prayer. It doesn’t question whether or not you are saved based on the fact that He didn’t answer your prayer the way you requested it. It has taken me a long time to see this. In adulthood, that would translate to us praying for things that matter to us…like financial freedom or success, healing in our bodies, etc.

When God’s answer is opposite of what you requested, how do you deal? What are you going to do? Because more often than not, He chooses to change our hearts and form our character while we’re going through that uncomfortable or terrible circumstance. He doesn’t often choose to just heal our bodies out of the blue, or give us $10,000 so life would be easier. That’s not to say that He doesn’t do those things. He does! He definitely has the power! I do not question His power or His ability to come to my aid. My question is: Will He? Is it His will?

I don’t know. But because I don’t know whether it’s His will or not doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. I believe Him. My faith means that I believe that He will answer in the best possible way, and He will always take care of me. Even when He answers opposite of what I requested. Even when my faith-filled prayer doesn’t get what it wants. He is good. No matter what. He knows best. He never promised He would deliver us from every trial or hard time. What He promised is that He is with us forever.

So because He is good, we trust Him. We still pray. For snow and for kittens. And sometimes He will answer and it will snow! And the kitten miraculously lives! But for the times that it doesn’t snow and the kitten doesn’t live, He still knows best. And He still loves us just as much as if He had given them to us.

 

What If I’m Wrong? (with a side of Christmas)

What a weighty question. There’s always a chance I could be wrong. Some things I’m more open to being wrong about than others. But for the most part, I’m confident in my reasons for thinking something is right. Most people are. You can’t change an adult’s mind easily. People aren’t as open-minded as they think. I’m not as open-minded as I think. I simply won’t be convinced to think that I’m completely wrong about something that I am passionate about, that I’ve considered carefully, and have formed a strong opinion about.

Now, I can be convinced in my mind that I’m on the right side of the issue, but at the same time concede that there’s a slight possibility I could be wrong. That’s hard to concede, especially for my personality. Although, I have to say, that I have changed my mind about things quite a bit as I’ve gotten older. However, the core issues, like my faith in Christ, have not changed.

So what am I really talking about here? Small things. At least, small in comparison to the question of whether or not Jesus is the way to heaven. That’s a big one. And the answer is that He is. I’ll never change from believing that. Now, the question of how a Christian should believe regarding small things…petty things…is where I find that I do have opinions, simply because other Christians have made a big deal out of them. I have almost felt forced to form an opinion on issues so small that sometimes I just shake my head. But there’s always a chance I could be wrong. And on some of these issues, I really don’t care one way or the other, because they are really that petty.

Scripture doesn’t address every single issue. So, I’ve found that when that’s the case, Christians can differ greatly in their opinions on what we should do about it. This leads to alot of confusion. I think the confusion happens because we’re not focused on Christ. We’re focused on an issue, that in the light of eternity, doesn’t matter all that much. The problem is that once we’ve decided where we stand on an issue, then we look to scripture to confirm that it, indeed, agrees with us. This is dangerous.

Scripture shouldn’t be used in this way. Example: Jeremiah 10:2-4 talks about pagans who cut down trees, adorn them with silver and gold, and worship them. Some Christians read that and think, Wow, he’s talking about Christmas trees! When the reality is that it had nothing to do with Christmas trees and everything to do with pagan idol worship. Some Christians use that alone to decide that Christmas shouldn’t be celebrated.

Now, I just gave my opinion on that. I said, the reality is such-and-such. I firmly believe that. I think this is a petty issue that really doesn’t matter to God one way or another. We can celebrate or not celebrate, because He looks at the heart. This is also my opinion. Some Christians will read that passage and never celebrate Christmas again, because they’ve formed an opinion that it’s wrong to do so. This makes me sad. Why do we have to differ on the simple things? The things that should be a no-brainer, like, of course we’re all going to celebrate Christmas because it’s awesome!

Does it really matter that Jesus wasn’t actually born on December 25th? Does it really matter that Santa, if the letters are rearranged, can spell Satan? Does it really matter that the Roman Catholic Church had its hands in establishing the holiday of Christmas? Or did they, because the history of Christmas is vague and it’s hard to really narrow down how it officially began. Does it really matter now? I would say an emphatic No. It doesn’t matter. According to this guy, it’s even wrong for us to use candles! Really? Are we really going to make this even more petty?!

Okay, so I got off-topic there. The main question here is: what if I’m wrong? My answer? If I’m wrong about something that the Bible doesn’t even address, if doing that thing doesn’t harm anyone else, if I’m not making an idol of it and worshiping it…then I will take my chances on being wrong. Because it won’t affect my salvation. God won’t look at me as any less of a Christian than someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas. The thing is, I think some Christians think they have been enlightened when they happen upon the strange info I just mentioned. And I didn’t even mention half of it! The problem is when they make such a big deal of it, that they condemn you for not doing as they are doing.

I think we should change how we think of “enlightenment”. My sister just told me she was listening to a preacher who said something very profound. He said, “We think that the law of God is deep, and grace is simple. When in reality, it’s the grace that’s deep!” I believe that. I think Christians can get caught up in focusing on issues, forming opinions (like I have done!!), being annoyed at the other Christians for not agreeing (again, I’ve done it!), and generally keeping their eyes off of what really matters. Jesus.

So, what if I’m wrong? I want to always keep that question before me. It will keep me humble when I think I know it all. It will keep me questioning when I should keep questioning. And I will. I will question everything. Everything except Jesus. He is true, He is right, He is unchanging. And I’m so thankful for that!

What if you’re wrong? What are your thoughts?