“Can’t”

I use the word “can’t” quite a bit, I’ve noticed. I can’t buy that. I can’t afford that. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. I can’t handle this. I can’t deal with this. All these Can’ts are so negative!

I don’t know if I’m overwhelmed more easily than others…but life is hard.

How do people do it? How do people make it work on one income? Mom stays home, Dad goes to work. One car. It is so tough. Unnecessarily and surprisingly. Why can’t it just be like the 1950s? The dollar went alot further back then.

So I went to a couponing class. Helpful. But I refuse to just buy junk for my family, and that’s what alot of the coupons are for. But I’ve clipped all the coupons I could possibly use, for things that we already buy, so I’m not just buying something I wouldn’t normally buy, just because I saw a coupon. And I’ve used some really good ones and gotten some really good deals I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.

We’re still struggling, and it seems to be just as bad as if I hadn’t couponed at all. Car trouble has to hit at the precise moment that we have nothing to spare.

Life is so…well, I have no word. It’s not a nice word, whatever it is.

If you can’t tell, I’m a bit negative tonight. Well, actually, alot negative.

I feel that I have worked super hard at various jobs in my life…and as a stay-at-home mom, I work every day for no money.

But at this point…I am feeling that I have nothing to show for it.

It’s so true what was written in Proverbs: Money has wings and will fly away. Or something like that. It really does! You have it, then you need it, then it’s gone. Just gone.

And you’re living paycheck to paycheck, literally.

When will we “arrive”? When will we be “successful”? What is success, exactly? Does it look like this: never wanting or needing for anything, because you don’t have to live on a budget?

Well, for me, yes.

I grew up in a low-income family. We didn’t have AC in our hot, Florida panhandle home for quite a bit of my childhood. When we finally got an AC unit, we could only run it for a few hours a day, to save on electricity. We used fans otherwise. We ate alot of beans, rice, chicken, salmon patties, Raisin Bran and sandwiches. We didn’t have junk except rarely. And we always had one car.

Our current situation is all too familiar, and I don’t like it.

I know my struggles in childhood and now are nothing compared to third world countries and even compared to how some people live right here in the US.

All I know is that for me, this is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being a stay-at-home mom, which is essentially a thankless job. No income, no real contribution. Just day in and day out, caring for my little girl and the house. And trying daily not to freak out about money. Because right now, it’s a daily thing.

I cannot seem to be okay with being this poor.

No, I don’t want charity. No, I don’t want help. Yes, I refuse government aid. Not because I think I’m better than anyone, it’s just the principle of the thing. I will not do that. Maybe it’s a pride thing…but I just can’t do that. I’m a bit too “Libertarian”.

I want a better life, of our own making. I can’t afford a better life. There’s that Can’t word again. Well, it’s true. But I’ll try my best at this very weak, negative moment…and I’ll say, I CAN afford a better life…later.

I CAN do this. I CAN handle this. The only way is with God’s help. I have to learn to truly trust Him.

Staying home with my little girl was a step of faith. My husband and I both agreed on that. We both knew it was a step of faith. And we knew when we signed up for good health insurance at the beginning of this year, that it would be quite a work of God to make ends meet.

But my trust wavers. It fails…it seems to be daily, or at least every few days. I can’t seem to maintain a steady trust in God regarding our finances.

“Where God guides, He provides,” so I’ve heard. I want to believe that. And trust that He knows what He’s doing when He allows us to go through hard times. He is good anyway. No matter how our circumstances look!

Our God is good. He loves us. HE CARES!!

Jesus said, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.…”

And He tells us this most sound wisdom…which I need so much to hear right now:

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34

So where does this leave me? Well, at peace, when I truly believe it! At peace, because He cares for me, and He knows what is happening.

He understands our needs.

I can seek Him first, and He will provide what I need spiritually, emotionally, physically.

My new word is CAN.

I can trust God, because He is constant and unfailing.

He is God, after all.

Isn’t it about time I believed Him?